Family Member Without Medical Training But a Propensity for Self-Diagnosis No. 1 (FMWMTBPSDx1):
BTW, don't panic; I have a sniffly cold, but a robust sense of smell, so I'm afraid the common cold is also doing the rounds. I and [Family Member Who Ignores Any Medical Problem Including Skull Fracture with Traumatic Brain Injury (FMWIAMPISFTBI)] are completely exhausted and not feeling great. I've got a stinking cold. No fever, no cough, just sinusitis. xxx
Family Member Without Medical Training But a Propensity for Self-Diagnosis No. 2 (FMWMTBPSDx2): Oh no! How do you think you picked it up?
FMWMTBPSDx1: I whizzed out to buy wine three days ago (mask, latex gloves, social distancing, sanitizer, etc) but yes, I was meeting an essential need! But don't worry, this definitely not the dread c., just sinusitis which is very different.
FMWMTBPSDx2: If you can pick up an arbitrary virus being as careful as possible, please don't go out again! It's too risky.
FMWMTBPSDx1: I figured out that - duh - this week FMWIAMPISFTBI has been sawing wood all week in the house, and I've been living in all this dust and doing the sweeping up. I'm having a strong allergic reaction, scratchy eyes and runny nose. Absolutely no other symptoms, no sore throat or anything. Not taking Benadryl because I don't want to put any drugs in my system because of the Advil news. Definitely allergy. Streaming nose!
FMWMTBPSDx2: Hooray!
FMWMTBPSDx1: I sent off for 6 bottles of red online this afternoon!
FMWMTBPSDx2: Medical family members [i.e. me + Trophy BF] - turns out I fractured a knuckle. I have an appointment with the doctor next week, and would like to stabilise the joint in the meantime. Do you know if bent vs straight is better? I've been wearing a splint that keeps it fairly straight. I bought plaster wrap so can also easily stabilise it in a more bent position.
Helpful Trophy BF Who Has Yet To Fully Gauge the Depth of Insanity of Which My Family Is Capable Despite Having Been Immersed In It For Nearly 5 Years (TBFWTF5): You poor dear. How did you manage that? Can you call so I can ask some questions? Easier to evaluate and instruct by phone.
FMWMTBPSDx2: Eep, sorry, was just peeing and crawling into bed. Can I ring tomorrow?
TBFWTF5: If you can call before 9 am one of us can talk you through making a gutter splint in the right position - important to get position right.
FMWMTBPSDx2: You're so kind - thank you! I hate to waste your time though, so if it's on YouTube I can also just look there. But I can probably catch one of you.
TBFWTF5: It's your ring finger most proximal knuckle?
FMWMTBPSDx2: It's my fuck you finger. OK zzzzz now I love you!!
TBFWTF5: Here's a decent video. Note the finger position; making a radial gutter splint is a two-hand job so you'll need help. Don't try it unless you're sure that you can do it; not that easy a splint if you've never done it. In addition to the correct bend at the MCP joint and the relative straightness of the fingers, note the slight backwards angle of the wrist. There should be no tension on the tendons on the front or back.
FMWMTBPSDx1: Explain to your dear family how you broke your knuckle
Me: Wait, wtf, sorry to be late to the party here. How the hell did you break your hand? Around now - ring anytime.
FMWMTBPSDx2: Thank you! That video is great. Did not break hand! Tiny tiny hairline fracture in knuckle when using drill. Read this hilarious Economist article!
Me: fracture = break, silly
FMWMTBPSDx2: I know, just clarifying the magnitude so that FMWMTBPSDx1 doesn't report to FMWIAMPISFTBI that I've shattered my entire right arm. Are there splinting competitions? After watching three YouTube videos I now feel like I can splint any mangled MCP joint you throw at me.
Me: Where did you end up going to get an xray? Urgent care? I hope nowhere you could have picked up COVID.
FMWMTBPSDx2: I am mistrustful of urgent care since [a completely different provider at a completely different UC in another city] mishandled my broken foot a couple of years ago
Me: Right, because all urgent care doctors are identical. So where did you get your xray?
FMWMTBPSDx2: I've got an appointment for one next week.
Me: I begin to smell a self-diagnosis based on YouTube videos, unless you McGyvered an xray machine out of old laptop parts and some radium you found in the basement.
FMWMTBPSDx2: I've had enough joint breaks to know what they feel like vs other joint injury.
Me: How about at least jumping on video chat to show me where your hand hurts?
FMWMTBPSDx2: Thanks, but all outcomes are taken care of! I'm already bored of it. Read the Economist article!
So to sum up: we're apparently a family of allergy-prone alcoholics, but at least one of us has Xray vision, which is totally better than average. I'll take it.
No comments:
Post a Comment